Those Long, Painful Trips
by sarahofearth
Summary: Hellboy and John Myers go on a long road trip in the back of an undercover garbage truck. Weirdness ensues.


**A/N:** This is my first Hellboy fic, so you'll have to excuse me if the characters aren't exactly cannon. Please leave a review if you read this. They are much appreciated.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellboy or the characters in it. Oh, but how I'm sure I and other fan girls wish we could own Myers sighs.

_To Andrea._ Thanks for being interested and enthusiastic about my stories. I know you know nothing about Hellboy, but I have to dedicate _something_ to you laughs.

XxxxXXXxxxX

John slid the last of the supplies into the back of the truck, well, garbage truck to be exact. The young agent checked his expensive-looking watch. 7:00 am. The big red demon was supposed to be here half an hour ago. Hellboy had never been known to be punctual, especially when he was dealing with morning time. John knew at least one fourth of their dreadfully long trip would be spent listening to the bulkier one's snores.

A black van pulled up behind the young man, causing him to turn around. One of the agents walked out to greet John.

"Have any trouble finding this place?" Myers questioned. They had to meet in a secure location as not to draw any attention to Hellboy, but Agent Flacon was never one to be at a loss for directions.

"Hardly," Was Flacon's only reply.

"What happened than?" John asked, although he was fairly sure he knew the answer.

"We had to literally drag the big ape's butt out of bed."

"By big ape's butt, are we talking about mine?" a chilling voice broke out behind Flacon. The agent's eyes shifted nervously to his sides. A shadow from above loomed over the much smaller agent.

"Err, I have another assignment ready so I'm just going to…" the agent hurriedly made his way to the driver's seat of his car and tore out of the exit.

"Heh, heh, heh, that's always fun." The demon said with a smile, lighting a big cigar.

John rolled his eyes and literally climbed into the back of the truck. Hellboy just stepped in with ease. Ah, the joys of being unearthly elevated.

The two agents settled themselves in the back, unloading some of their supplies besides their cots. It was going to be a very long trip to their next job, and the two were forced to pack a lot of extra baggage.

John flipped open his walkie-talkie cell phone.

"We're all set back here," he reported, causing the engine to roar with a start moments later.

"Ah, this is going to be nice," Hellboy said after he had gotten the eleventh box of Babe Ruths out of his sack of "needed supplies." "On the road, seeing the sights. That room in the BRPD was getting cramped, if you know what I mean."

John wanted to point out to Hellboy that he was not even six feet, and that everything was always a bit "cramped" to him because he had claustrophobia.

"Yeah," John replied out of nervousness. He didn't know why he still got tense and jumpy around the demon. Sure he was a huge, red… thing so the agent had every right to feel intimidated, but John thought he'd gotten past that. He didn't want to be like every other colleague he worked with, bowing down at the sight of Hellboy and kissing the ground he walked on. John just wanted to feel calm, if anything else, calm sounded like a good thing to be.

An unusually loud snore erupted from the large red devil, causing John to jump in surprise and bump his head stiffly on the overhead light.

_Way to stay calm_, the agent thought to himself before everything went black.

XxxxXXXxxxX

"Boy scout, Boy scout…" The annoying nickname seemed to bring the young man back into consciousness.

"God, Hellboy, my name is John. I thought we agreed on that." John said groggily, grabbing at his aching head, which had a sort of bandage wrapped around it

"Ha, I told you that would get him back up! Shorty hates it when I call him that." Hellboy said smugly to the other agents who were driving the means of transportation. The two drivers shook their heads.

"I hate it when you call me that too?" John murmured.

"Do you think John looks all right?" one of the agents asked.

"Sure, Johnny is okay, he's been through a lot worse." Hellboy reassured them. The two left, casting uncertain glances backwards but entering the front and roaring up the engine once again.

John groaned.

"Ugh, what happened?" the younger agent asked, sitting up and fiddling with the bandage at his head. Hellboy took his hand away and scolded him lightly.

"We must have gone over some big speed bump because you bumped your head on that light above your cot. You should get a seat belt on that thing, heh, heh." Hellboy laughed kind-heartedly, John didn't find it very funny. "Yeah, I found you once I heard you collapse on the floor and yelled for the guys to stop the car. You'd been out for a good ten minutes. You had me spooked for a moment there, kid."

John took it in, that was a first, Hellboy being scared about him. He was speechless actually. He didn't think the demon had cared.

"If I lost you to a lamp then to a real live monster, that would be a one very funny story to tell," Hellboy laughed heartily.

_Always the one to ruin the moment. _John thought bitterly, climbing into his small cot and laying his head down.

"Nah, ah, Boy scout," Hellboy reprimanded. "You can't lay down when you just got a head injury. Wait a couple of hours then you can go rest and dream about the sky."

"I don't dream about the sky," John muttered, sitting up and resting his bandaged head on the wall of the truck.

"Sure you don't," Hellboy replied sarcastically, taking out a candy bar. "Want one?" the demon asked, holding out a silver packaged Babe Ruth.

John wordlessly took the proffered chocolate and ripped it open. Myers needed something to keep him busy. In all truth, he just wanted to lie down and rest. His head was numbly hurting and he wanted to rest it on anything besides this metal wall.

"Aren't you going to sleep or something?" John asked, a thread of hopefulness in his voice. He hoped the demon would be going to sleep soon, that would give him a chance to rest as well.

"And allow you the chance of going unconscious again when you sneak of to beddy land? No way, Boy scout." Hellboy replied with a smile. "Sorry, but it's doctor's orders. I gotta keep my eyes on you."

John shook his head and gave a confused expression.

"What doctors?"

"Me, of course. I know a lot about concussions, Myers. Ya have one." Hellboy said decisively.

John rested his head in his hands and groaned once more. _Stupid lamp…_

XxxxXXXxxxX

Snack time, claustrophobia, I Spy

"Hey, let's play a game to pass the time," Hellboy said suddenly, breaking the silence once he had finished his video game magazine.

"What kind of game?" John asked exasperatedly. He didn't want to play a game; he wanted to go to sleep. But it seemed anytime he even blinked for too long Hellboy would be on his butt faster than a dog to his bone.

"I love the enthusiasm," Hellboy answered sarcastically. "How about I Spy? I'll go first." He said, not giving John the chance to answer. "I spy with my little-"

"You can't say little, Red." John interrupted. "Your eyes are quite big." The agent pointed out.

"Well, thank you for that observation, Junior, but nobody asked you." Hellboy pointed out in the same tone Myers had. "I spy with my _little _eye-"

"I suppose they call it little because they're proportioning it to the rest of your body-"

"Would you shut up and let me play the game." Hellboy roared suddenly. John backed a bit against the wall he was resting his head on. He nodded slightly. He should've known better to mess with Hellboy's temper. "Thank you. Okay. I spy with my little eye something… black."

John studied the space they were in. It was a sparsely furnished room, so everything appeared to be a little black. The young man looked behind him at the gray, metal wall. _Not that. _The cots were green. The backpack which held his supplies was green as well. There were some silver suitcases in the back of the room which held weapons that _were_ black, but John didn't think Hellboy was talking about those, unless he had some sort of X-ray vision, but no known ability was discovered in the demon.

"You only get one chance." Hellboy said, concluding that John was taking way to long. "You're being over analytic (as usual). This should be easy."

"Are you allowed to give hints?" John asked, he had looked at everything, nothing was black!

"Okay, but only because you have that hopeless expression on your face," Hellboy smiled, John glared. "It's on one of us."

_Well, that certainly cuts things down. _Hellboy's jacket was tan and his pants… were black! But wouldn't it be something on him? He was the obvious thing that Hellboy would spy.

"Are you sure we only get one guess?" John asked. He didn't like such risky business.

Hellboy sighed frustrated.

"God, Shorty, this isn't some calculus midterm!" Hellboy said. John blinked. "Fine. You can have three guesses."

Myers smiled at his luck, Hellboy rolled his eyes.

The agent decided to guess the shirt underneath the sweater he was wearing, his shoes, and Hellboy's pants.

"Is it… my shoes?" John asked expectantly.

"Nope." Hellboy replied simply.

_Darn._

"Is it your pants?"

"No."

_Crap, last chance._

"How about… my shirt?"

Hellboy gave a confused expression.

"Boy scout, your shirt is gray." The demon pointed out.

John scoffed.

"Not that shirt," he lifted the sweater up and revealed the black polo underneath it. "This one."

"Oh, I couldn't see that one, so nope."

John frowned. He didn't like losing. How could he fail at such a childish game?

"It's your hair!" Hellboy exposed triumphantly.

"What!" John said distressed. "My hair isn't black, it's brown!"

"Oh," Hellboy said guiltily but quickly brushed it off. "Well, it looks black."

"Well, it's not," John said in the same haughty manner. "Look in the light, it's brown." They both quickly jumped up and turned Myers head towards the overhead lamp.

"Nope, you're wrong, Junior, your hair is definitely black." Hellboy affirmed after the closer examination.

"What? Let me see a mirror." John demanded.

"Sorry, we don't gots one." Hellboy said with a sly smile. John gave Hellboy's innocent façade a distrusting expression. "Okay, it looks like I get to go again."

XxxxXXXxxxX

"Well, it looks like I got three and you got zero," Hellboy tallied after there latest game. John felt so cheated. Hellboy had played unfairly. The last two games they had played were almost repeats of the first one. John would scrutinize everything, figure out it was on him, and guess three wrong answers only to figure out that the correct answer was a complete lie (in his opinion). When Hellboy had spied something brown, it had turned out to be his head gauze, which John was sure had to be white or tan. John couldn't see it though because Hellboy wouldn't let him check though (Insert argument here). Then Hellboy said he had spied something pink. Nothing was pink in the room on Hellboy or n John, so Myers had to give up. Hellboy said it was John's nose. The agent glared at him, called him a cheater, and tried to tackle the demon. His nose was not pink! (Insert fight here where Hellboy leaves unscathed and John leaves with a black eye when he accidentally falls on Hellboy's stone arm.)

"Oh stop pouting, Boy scout, it's just a game." John glowered from the cot he was sitting on, nursing his black eye. "I spy with my little eye something purple! It's your little eye."

John tried to suppress a smile at the demon's jest but failed. He laughed a little and shook his head.

"I spy with my little eye something gray." Myers said. "Sorry, Red, but it looks like you real age is catching up to you."

Hellboy's smile quickly turned into a fierce frown. His yellow eyes flashed, sending chills up the agent's spine. _Okay, that was a bad idea… _

"Wrong move, Boy scout." Hellboy said grimly. He got up from his sitting place and walked slowly over towards John. Myers shifted his eyes nervously around the room. There was no escape. The young man stared terrified at the demon looming over him with his hulky form.

John suddenly felt very prone to run away in the confined place between him and Hellboy. His heart was racing, causing him to hyperventilate; a cold sweat began beading across his forehead. The room started spinning, sending John into a state of vertigo. _What's happening? Am I going to die? _John felt so exhausted, he felt like he was losing air even though he was taking such big breaths. He was becoming so physically exhausted that he finally collapsed to the ground.

XxxxXXXxxxX

John woke up a short while later to the roof of the garbage truck. _What happened?_

"Oh look, he's awake." The familiar voice of one of the drivers pointed out relieved.

Hellboy's face came into view of John's line of vision.

"Hey there, Johnny, how are you feeling?" the demon asked.

"Ugh, my head hurts." John closed his eyes and rested his face on the side only to hiss in pain.

"Yeah, you got a bit of a bruise on your cheek from the fall…" Hellboy said. "You had a panic attack, Boy scout. I'm really sorry; it was my fault."

John tried to remember what had happened earlier and what Hellboy was talking about. It all came back to him in a flash though; once he became aware of the distance Hellboy was giving him.

"Red, you don't have to act like I have a plague. It's just a small case of claustrophobia; I've had it my entire life. I only have panic attacks when I feel threatened and when I'm in a closed up space. What were the chances it would be now?" John asked, tiredness evident in his voice and face.

"I guess you're right," Hellboy admitted reluctantly. Claustrophobia or not, he was still regretting scaring the agent like that. "I'm still sorry for freaking you out. I'm going to get you some ice for your bruise… and for your eye… might as well look at that bump on your head while I'm at it."

Myers blushed at the amount of wounds he had already gotten and he hadn't even started the mission. Luck just didn't seem to be on his side today…

After Hellboy looked John over and tended to his bruises, they got ready to eat some lunch.

"What did you bring?" the demon asked hungrily. There was no stopping him when it came to food.

John rolled his eyes as he dragged with much difficulty the two large suitcases which held Hellboy's lunch. The agent never though he would think this but… he missed his pushing cart.

"God, HB, you should go on a diet," John breathed after he had gotten the suitcases out and in front of the red demon.

"Who's gonna save your butts when I get scrawny like you then?" Hellboy asked, raising an eyebrow at the glaring agent.

"Whatever, fatso," John muttered, getting his own lunch out of his supply sack.

"Heard that," Hellboy stated between bites of his super-super-sized sandwich.

XxxxXXXxxxX

"Whatcha reading?" Hellboy asked, looking up from his PSP. He had been playing it for a while and was getting board beating his old high scores. John was amazed at how much the BRPD cared about the paranormal hunter since they got him a specially made video game system. One side was regular and the right side was made especially for a certain stone hand.

"Pride and Prejudice," John replied quietly.

"Pfftt!" Hellboy responded at the title, trying but failing miserably to hide his roaring laugh. "Boy scout, do you know how gay that book is?"

John scowled.

"Jane Austen is a genius; her books are not 'gay.' I happen to enjoy them." John stated simply, attempting to get back to reading.

"Yeah, you would," Hellboy muttered amusedly, starting up a new game on his device.

John looked up angrily, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Okay, maybe it means that I don't exactly think you that masculine."

The comment only infuriated Myers further.

"I am masculine! Just because I don't play mind-retarding video games makes me feminine?" John asked.

"Well… yeah." Hellboy replied plainly. "Look, Johnny, you just don't ever seem to have the manly interests usual guys have. It gives people the wrong impression."

John set down his book and tried to rationalize what Hellboy just said.

"But I work for the freaking BRPD, how much more masculine do I need to get!" John defended.

"I said interests, not jobs. Geez, it's nothing to get pumped up over, Boy scout. People are just _different _sometimes." Hellboy said.

John crossed his arms and huffed slightly. He didn't want to be _different_. He wanted to be manly, he thought he was manly. This new awareness was going to tug at his mind all the time, leaving him in cold sweats. The agent realized what he had to do, he had to get mannish.

"What do I need to stop being 'different'?" Myers asked finally.

"What?" Hellboy asked confusedly. "Johnny, that's ridiculous. You can't just _become_ masculine, it comes naturally. For you, it's just different."

"I don't want to be different though, I want to be like a regular guy!" John whined, getting up and sitting next to the bigger demon, staring desperately up at him.

"Ugh, fine." Hellboy gave in. He never could seem to say no to John's puppy brown eyes. Those stupid eyes. "I don't know how we're just going to miraculously turn you male in the back of a garbage truck but I guess we can just start small."

John nodded happily.

"Why don't we start with video games?" Hellboy said, pulling out a backpack. "Here's a normal PSP."

John took it.

"Wow, this is a very light gadget." John commented, holding the black device in his hand.

"Okay, rule number one: Don't call the PSP a 'gadget'." Hellboy instructed.

John nodded slightly.

"This is a manly game," Hellboy educated, pulling out a disc. "Let's see how you do."

After inserting the disc and creating a new account, John tried his luck at Race Driver. The game had great graphics, intense speed thrill, and hot cars, but… John sucked at it.

"God, I suck at this!" John yelled irritated, throwing the game onto the soft cot.

"You don't suck at it," Hellboy said slowly, picking up the PSP. "You merely… Never mind, you do suck."

Myers groaned, falling sideways onto the pillow.

"But don't give up, you'll get manly someday." Hellboy said, staying optimistic. "Why don't we try a different approach? How about getting rid of your things that don't exactly scream male? That book for instance," Hellboy said, pointing at the red hardback lying on John's cot.

"What? No! We are not getting rid of my Jane Austen." John said, rushing to the book and placing it in his backpack.

"Fine, stay girly; see if I care, it's your choice. Mannish or Jane Austen." Hellboy illustrated the options by putting out his two hands. "Whoa" he dropped the hand that was invisibly labeled "Mannish" as if it was severely weighted

John sighed sadly and took out the book. He rubbed it tenderly and handed it over to Hellboy. The demon grabbed the book and placed it in the nearby trash bin.

"There. You've taken the first step to being more male." With that, Hellboy took out his lighter and threw it in the bin with the book.

"What the HECK, HELLBOY!" John yelled. "You just tossed a lighter in the trashcan!"

"I see them do it in the movies all the time, it's not flammable or anything." Hellboy said calmly, shrugging John's exaggerated comment off. Myers continued to panic.

Suddenly a fire erupted from the bin, beginning to melt the sides of the plastic container and filling the room with smoke.

"Holy crap!" John cried. "We have to get out of here." The agent started pounding on the door for them to stop the car so he could exit. Hellboy just had a bit of a guilty look on his face.

"But the movies-"

"Movies are full of lies, Red!" John cried. "Now help me get their attention, I can't just jump out of a moving vehicle."

Hellboy pounded on the door, surprising the drivers.

"Oh great, poor Myers must've gotten injured again." The driver also known as Agent Gregg said. "Do you think you could check it out Evans?"

"Sure, just pull over right here." The driver going by the name Agent Evans instructed.

The undercover garbage truck pulled over on the woody side of the road and killed the engine.

Evans got out and opened the back door only to be greeted by Hellboy jumping out, holding John and something fiery in his arms, and lots and lots of smoke. The man turned around, half to avoid breathing in any more of the harmful smoke and half to see what was going on with the other two agents.

Hellboy had set John down on a lonely tree stump. Myers eyes were watering from all the smoke and coughing he was doing.

"Get the fire extinguisher and put this trashcan out," Hellboy demanded, holding the fiery mess in his hand. It was very convenient that they had a demon impervious to fire in the back of their truck or they would all be burnt by now. Well, it was also the impervious demon's fault they had a fire in the first place.

Evans acted fast, running to the front of the truck and grabbing the red extinguishing instrument.

Agent Gregg looked up from the map he was studying when his partner busted into the truck and stole away with the extinguisher. Out of much curiosity, Gregg decided to join him.

Evans smothered the fiery bin with the implement, leaving a white, melting mess in Hellboy's hand. The demon dropped it and wiped what was left of it on his pants before bring his attention back to the agent that was sputtering on the log.

John had soot all over his face and hands and… well, basically everywhere. Hellboy stared worried at the younger man. Again, his pain was caused by him.

"I've just called an ambulance, I think you should get in the car Hellboy, we'll cover you." Hellboy nodded at the news and moved ruefully towards the front of the truck.

An ambulance arrived shortly after. They hooked up an oxygen tube to Myers and instructed him to leave it on for about two days since it wasn't a major case of smoke inhalation. They questioned him about the gauze around his head and the bruises on his face and eye but Myers assured them he already had a "specialist" look at it.

"If you say so," the attendant said unconvinced. He allowed John to step off the gurney and handed the dolly to Myers which held the oxygen tank he was connected to. The agent rolled his eyes and reluctantly accepted it, making his way towards the truck.

The firemen had fixed the place of its smoke problem so it was livable once again. They questioned the drivers about the fire but they cleverly convinced them with an excuse unbeknownst to Myers.

John climbed into the back of the truck, lifting his little oxygen tank with him. He knew the thing would only be nuisance on the mission. Heck, he wasn't sure if he could even be on the mission in the state he was now. _This sucks. _All this pain and for what? A big load of nothing.

Hellboy entered the truck and slid the door closed behind him. Myers watched him carefully. _This was his entire fault_. Myers thought, anger boiling inside of him. If he hadn't accepted the "manly lessons," John wouldn't be wearing the stupid tube that was inserted in his nose.

The huge demon turned around, looked at John with the tube in his nose, and started wringing his hands.

"Johnny, I am so sorry," Hellboy said after some silence of him pacing the floor and occasionally glancing at Myers.

"Yes, well you should be." Myers replied moodily. The silence that Hellboy let settle allowed John to mull things over. He concluded that all the pain and suffering he had received was caused by the giant devil, therefore he had every right to be mad at the said giant devil.

Hellboy's eye twitched. He didn't like the attitude John was giving him. The demon sighed. Despite his displease he knew he deserved it. He had caused John a lot of pain, unintentionally, but he did it nonetheless.

"I hope you know, I didn't mean to do any of it." Hellboy said, sitting down on his cot. "They were all just accidents…"

Myers face started to soften from its hard glare. Wow, he didn't know the big red ape was so sensitive… He studied the demon, his rock hand holding up the sorrowful red head. John walked over, rolling his oxygen behind him, and patted him on his filthy coat.

"It's alright, Hellboy." John said quietly. "I'm sorry I was acting like a jerk."

The big devil looked up in confusion. Acting like a jerk? Who gave a crap about acting like a jerk? Johnny had loads of rights to act like one anyway: Hellboy had almost killed him!

"You're a crazy little man, you know that, right?" Hellboy said simply.

Myers groaned.

"Stop with the short jokes already, Hellboy."

"Fine, but it's the least I can do." The two sat and stood (in John's case) there in silence for a moment. But before John knew what was happening, the huge demon had locked him in a big bear hug. "I hope you know I'm breaking all the 'man rules' doing this."

John smiled and patted Hellboy on his back.

XxxxXXXxxxX

"Hey, Hellboy?" John asked. The two agents were in their makeshift beds already after deciding that it was time to roll in. The demon was tired from the day's events and wanted nothing better to sink into a good night's rest. "Are you awake?"

"You fail the male course if you continue to try and wake me," Hellboy said, exhaustion evident in his voice.

John scoffed.

"Seriously, it is just like a female to wake up the tired, real men."

"I was just wondering about something."

"Fine, shoot." Hellboy replied, eyes still closed.

"Were you ever jealous when Liz and I were going out?" John asked. He'd been thinking about it for a while and could vaguely remember how the demon felt about it.

There was a brief silence as memories of Hellboy spying on John's dates with Liz flashed through his head. The time when he chucked the rock at the young agents head protruded cruelly.

"Pfft, this is you we're talking about, Johnny. You didn't have a chance." Hellboy said in a feigned cool manner.

John glared but couldn't suppress a smile. It was a good thing the lights were off or Hellboy would realize that John actually somewhat enjoyed the demon's playful criticism. _There would be no end to that revelation…_

XxxxXXXxxxX

A loud pounding on the door awoke the young agent from his fitful slumber. _Ugh, these cheap cots are beyond uncomfortable… _John rubbed his eyes and sat up. The knocking continued again, giving him a headache.

"I'll be there in a minute." He called out.

"Hurry up, we've arrived." One of the drivers, Myers couldn't tell which, replied.

_Gosh, so impatient, _John thought irritably as he got a clean shirt on. He stuck the oxygen tube he had displaced earlier to get his shirt on back in its proper place. The young agent looked to his side only to see Hellboy still sleeping. He nudged the demon with his foot.

"It's time to get up, Red." John said. "They said we've reached our destination."

"That's great, Shorty, now go away." Hellboy mumbled.

John glared at the red ape and made his way out of the truck, sending in a flood of light that made Hellboy groan in irritation. The agent smiled at the action and climbed down the step from the truck to the ground, reluctantly wheeling the tank along with him.

A black car pulled up from the bushes, surprising Myers. It parked close to the young agent and one of its sleek doors opened. Tom Manning, the BPRD's local busybody, stepped out. He was the said "operator" of this whole mission, but everyone in the bureau knew it was just another guy's idea and the greedy man was just taking credit.

Tom walked closer to John, a confused expression on his face.

"Did you guys already start the mission? What happened to your face, Myers? When did you guys get here?" Manning pummeled him with hasty question.

"Err, it's just been one of those trips, I suppose…"

XxxxXXXxxxX

**A/N:** That's it. I'm glad I finally wrote this, it had been swimming in my head to make a Hellboy story for the longest time. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Please don't forget to review. It makes me feel so sad when I write things for nothing. That and it's so much fun to receive them! Thanks for reading!

Have a nice day,

Sarah


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